February
It's official. February is now my most depressing month. Must be the winter blues, I guess. Well, good thing March is coming up and that means warmer weather and a time of growth, renewal, and new life.
Lent has been underway and I've set it up to be one of the biggest personal and private challenges I have ever faced. I am my own worst enemy. It is my hope that I will come out of this a better man.
"I'm here. I'm now. I'm ready... Don't give away the ending."
Retreat and Onward
I heard a lot of what I needed to hear this past weekend and then some on the radio as I woke up. It's a lot to process and I don't know if I can put it into words in this mind-blown state.
But, for those feeling burnt-out,
Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk but not become weary.
The Lululemon Bag
One quote on it stood out,
"The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness."
I refuse to take part in this tiring rat race with no meaningful end. I see now it's simply one thing leading to another ad infinitum. Most of the women seem to ask of me to have some really long-term plan and certainty of the future. Or expect to have long-term security through their man. The recent recession has proved otherwise; there is no such thing. To base a relationship on that, well, I am sorry but that is a disaster waiting to happen down the line.
Also, it's that time of year again, where the usual questions about the future are asked. I don't particular enjoy reliving this moment for the second time; but it happens nonetheless. The dislike comes mainly from the subtle expectation to have a detailed answer.
Not having a concrete answer ready and the uncertainty of the future used to scare me but now, not really. From my experience, thinking and planning far into the future has been a futile exercise; things never turn out the way you expect them to. (Think "Reality vs. Expectations" scene in (500) Days of Summer)
I realize now I have let my mind create unrealistic constructs and expectations on where I should be and let my heart turn cold, neglecting a lot of things important in life. Important things that belong in the realm of the heart and not of the overly rational mind. (To quote Jerry Maguire, "No heart!") Id est, I have been doing things with no heart and only cause I thought it was expected of me. Too much ambition and expectations it seems.
So, as I move forward and patiently and sincerely fill out applications with complete disregard to early deadlines, I will do what I feel most comfortable with: going with the flow, letting whatever happen happen, and adapting as necessary. To quote Bruce Lee, "Be like water."
I realize I am no shark after all. But I am no swan yet either. (Up in the Air reference). Nonetheless, I want to be part of the latter - content with living modestly and comfortably with people all around.
"It's just a moment. This time will pass." -U2 - Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of
All Work and No Play…
...makes me more irrational, illogical, emotional, and darker. I.e., crazy.
So, I'll be taking a time out and disengage from a lot of things - things that don't usually bother me that are starting to bother me. Yes, that explains Facebook and Twitter.
The "little things in life" that I enjoy either aren't happening enough or isn't having any effect on me anymore and it is taking a toll on my health. (Yeah, that's what she said. Hurrrr.)
So, this is me taking charge from falling even deeper; I'll be at the gym and I'll be in deep thought and prayer. That will be my mental retreat.
Oh, don't worry about me. Just letting you know what's up with my weirdness.
Worry about Haiti. That has been tragically depressing.
Light up the darkness.
First Song
A song came to me in a dream just randomly a few weeks ago. It's a song that I haven't heard in a long while - like probably a few years - and I don't know why it just popped up one night as I slept.
I've been looking for a song to learn to tide me over as I learn piano technique from "less interesting" songs. The song I dreamt is called "Reminiscence - Feelings Not Erased" from Chrono Cross (sequel to Chrono Trigger) - a series focusing on time travel and changing the past. Released in 2000, the game certainly brings back pleasant and harsh memories. In the game, the song was played at a beach as two characters stare out over the water uncertain of their future together (oh, and gathering stupid shells for the girlfriend, haha).
Then the suggestion of picking a song and learning it was reiterated to me this past weekend when some graduates from out-of-town visited, which was awesome by the way. And they too reminisced on old times studying in the library and hanging out.
So, yeah, I guess I'll learn this one. It's been tough getting into the material I'm learning but music has been good to me. 
Globe and Mail: Pursuing a Dream After Corporate Life
Stories like these inspire me. From the Globe and Mail:
The social clock does not exist for a guy like me in this day and age. Maybe it does for the women biologically (and even hearing that statement from someone, for me, borders on sexism). But the clock does not exist in my mind for me and I must be resilient yet understanding of those who find relief in projecting their insecurities unto me, hoping I fail as well.
If he can do it at 51 (despite the controversy surrounding the subsequent use of taxpayers' dollars and taking up a spot of a younger applicant - oh wait, that would be ageism), then I must make sure everything I do furthers myself along the path to what I feel in my heart. I don't want to follow another path regretting it all or feeling I settled and look back feeling like this when I'm 50. He's lucky to even start again at 50. I may not.
A New Decade
You know, I could be a lot like other bloggers and write about the past and the future and make that list of resolutions. But I think, "nah..." as I set this post to automatically publish itself at midnight.
I will not make a list of unrealistic resolutions (such as losing 20 pounds fast); the only thing I will follow is to keep moving forward with the flow and get things done in my capacity. I have matured to take personal responsibility for failures and not cry that such and such exam was hard or the prof was so "unfair" (thankfully, that has not happened at all ).
It is called having an internal locus of control and believing that there are circumstances in your life that are within your control. Feeling helpless and blaming others is counter-productive and be grateful that in Canada, you have the freedom to do something about it. I will get to where I want to be - I have never been so determined and inspired.
The past decade is gone now and I will cherish the good times. I look forward (though with some worry) to a world transformed by 9/11, recession and unemployment, climate change and extreme weather, natural disasters, nuclear escalation, and constant war. China and India emerge and will soon become major players in the global economy. And technology... well, it is growing at such a fast pace and being the gadget nerd I am, I will try to keep up with the pace. :P
How Are You?
I say "good", "okay", or "tired" as a courtesy - cause I'm well aware of the unfair social obligation of responding and tending if I said otherwise. And I see you have a lot on your plate already for yourself.
I'm praying for uplifting experiences but I'm disconnecting and being disconnected from faster than ever.
Any emotionally undisciplined person would have broken down by now but I remain courageous enough to have patience and hope.
Hope that I find balance once more and reconnect.
Personal Responsibility
I'm certainly feeling the pressure and stress and whatever - but I just have to make sure I give it my all.
I've stopped pointing fingers long ago and I'm taking responsibility for my failures (and my successes). And things have been turning out for the better ever since I did.
People choose to do what they do and I respect that. They have a lot going on and so do I. That's life.
So, when some people start blaming others instead of taking responsibility, I'll listen but I won't call them out on it nor would I be able to truthfully agree. It is not my place to tell them how to behave - I'd look like an ass. Nonetheless, it's just not a right way to think. One gives up control of one's own life by blaming others.
However, if it was my son or daughter, then I'd have to smack some sense into him/her Balboa-style.
Look Me In the Eye
"Look me in the eye. It's okay if you're scared. So am I. But we're scared for different reasons. I'm scared of what I won't become and you're scared of what I could become. Look at me. I won't let myself end where I started. I won't let myself finish where I began. I know what is within me even if you can't see it yet. Look me in the eyes. I have something more important than courage. I have patience.
I will become what I know I am."
-Michael Jordan
Newbies: I'm sorry if I scare you. Don't be so intimidated by what you see in my eyes cause this describes what I am feeling.
I hate the distance - both physically and emotionally. But I have accepted this is my trial, my challenge, and a part of my life where I must find myself and reach a higher level of maturity - a stage of becoming with my next stage just around the corner.
---
I don't know if you or any of my cohort - my generation - will be the one. I don't think it is likely with all the things needed in place before such a long-term commitment will work well. It would be ridiculous to expect any kind of waiting with the hand that has been dealt to me by Him or by fate or by whoever or whatever you like to believe. But I am not the kind that closes doors prematurely and unilaterally. I like to leave things open to any sort of possibility.
Though, for the time being, I apologize if I appear to be a blind and oblivious fool. Or I am "too focused". It's complicated (and maybe it really isn't!). Howeverrrrrrr, I'm beginning to think that "sort of thing" might do me some good. Or not. Who knows? Haha.
