First Song
A song came to me in a dream just randomly a few weeks ago. It's a song that I haven't heard in a long while - like probably a few years - and I don't know why it just popped up one night as I slept.
I've been looking for a song to learn to tide me over as I learn piano technique from "less interesting" songs. The song I dreamt is called "Reminiscence - Feelings Not Erased" from Chrono Cross (sequel to Chrono Trigger) - a series focusing on time travel and changing the past. Released in 2000, the game certainly brings back pleasant and harsh memories. In the game, the song was played at a beach as two characters stare out over the water uncertain of their future together (oh, and gathering stupid shells for the girlfriend, haha).
Then the suggestion of picking a song and learning it was reiterated to me this past weekend when some graduates from out-of-town visited, which was awesome by the way. And they too reminisced on old times studying in the library and hanging out.
So, yeah, I guess I'll learn this one. It's been tough getting into the material I'm learning but music has been good to me. 
Globe and Mail: Pursuing a Dream After Corporate Life
Stories like these inspire me. From the Globe and Mail:
The social clock does not exist for a guy like me in this day and age. Maybe it does for the women biologically (and even hearing that statement from someone, for me, borders on sexism). But the clock does not exist in my mind for me and I must be resilient yet understanding of those who find relief in projecting their insecurities unto me, hoping I fail as well.
If he can do it at 51 (despite the controversy surrounding the subsequent use of taxpayers' dollars and taking up a spot of a younger applicant - oh wait, that would be ageism), then I must make sure everything I do furthers myself along the path to what I feel in my heart. I don't want to follow another path regretting it all or feeling I settled and look back feeling like this when I'm 50. He's lucky to even start again at 50. I may not.
A New Decade
You know, I could be a lot like other bloggers and write about the past and the future and make that list of resolutions. But I think, "nah..." as I set this post to automatically publish itself at midnight.
I will not make a list of unrealistic resolutions (such as losing 20 pounds fast); the only thing I will follow is to keep moving forward with the flow and get things done in my capacity. I have matured to take personal responsibility for failures and not cry that such and such exam was hard or the prof was so "unfair" (thankfully, that has not happened at all ).
It is called having an internal locus of control and believing that there are circumstances in your life that are within your control. Feeling helpless and blaming others is counter-productive and be grateful that in Canada, you have the freedom to do something about it. I will get to where I want to be - I have never been so determined and inspired.
The past decade is gone now and I will cherish the good times. I look forward (though with some worry) to a world transformed by 9/11, recession and unemployment, climate change and extreme weather, natural disasters, nuclear escalation, and constant war. China and India emerge and will soon become major players in the global economy. And technology... well, it is growing at such a fast pace and being the gadget nerd I am, I will try to keep up with the pace. :P
How Are You?
I say "good", "okay", or "tired" as a courtesy - cause I'm well aware of the unfair social obligation of responding and tending if I said otherwise. And I see you have a lot on your plate already for yourself.
I'm praying for uplifting experiences but I'm disconnecting and being disconnected from faster than ever.
Any emotionally undisciplined person would have broken down by now but I remain courageous enough to have patience and hope.
Hope that I find balance once more and reconnect.
Personal Responsibility
I'm certainly feeling the pressure and stress and whatever - but I just have to make sure I give it my all.
I've stopped pointing fingers long ago and I'm taking responsibility for my failures (and my successes). And things have been turning out for the better ever since I did.
People choose to do what they do and I respect that. They have a lot going on and so do I. That's life.
So, when some people start blaming others instead of taking responsibility, I'll listen but I won't call them out on it nor would I be able to truthfully agree. It is not my place to tell them how to behave - I'd look like an ass. Nonetheless, it's just not a right way to think. One gives up control of one's own life by blaming others.
However, if it was my son or daughter, then I'd have to smack some sense into him/her Balboa-style.
Look Me In the Eye
"Look me in the eye. It's okay if you're scared. So am I. But we're scared for different reasons. I'm scared of what I won't become and you're scared of what I could become. Look at me. I won't let myself end where I started. I won't let myself finish where I began. I know what is within me even if you can't see it yet. Look me in the eyes. I have something more important than courage. I have patience.
I will become what I know I am."
-Michael Jordan
Newbies: I'm sorry if I scare you. Don't be so intimidated by what you see in my eyes cause this describes what I am feeling.
I hate the distance - both physically and emotionally. But I have accepted this is my trial, my challenge, and a part of my life where I must find myself and reach a higher level of maturity - a stage of becoming with my next stage just around the corner.
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I don't know if you or any of my cohort - my generation - will be the one. I don't think it is likely with all the things needed in place before such a long-term commitment will work well. It would be ridiculous to expect any kind of waiting with the hand that has been dealt to me by Him or by fate or by whoever or whatever you like to believe. But I am not the kind that closes doors prematurely and unilaterally. I like to leave things open to any sort of possibility.
Though, for the time being, I apologize if I appear to be a blind and oblivious fool. Or I am "too focused". It's complicated (and maybe it really isn't!). Howeverrrrrrr, I'm beginning to think that "sort of thing" might do me some good. Or not. Who knows? Haha.
Could’ve, Should’ve, Would’ve
It frustrates me that the smallest of seemingly negligible misfortunes can have such longstanding ripple effects.
This sort of thing happened to me recently and I replay it in my mind but I know there is no point. The world moves only forward and I along with it. There is no one to blame but possibly "fate" itself.
The future is so malleable and it is crazy how the simplest of things such as not looking the right way, not answering the cell phone, not getting an e-mail and/or missing a bus can have major consequences.
I guess the best way to prevent such tragedies is to be aware we are all connected, that we all have people counting on us, and that what we do and fail to do affects everyone and not just our selves - even if you can't see how. Foresight is more useful than hindsight.
However, I know there are always things out of our control and instead of looking for blame, accept "fate" and move on.
I'm still annoyed - but I'll live.
"One is all and all is one."
Up in the Air
"Now this is gonna be a little difficult, so stay with me.
How much does your life weigh?
Imagine for a second you're carrying a backpack.
I want you to pack it with all the stuff you have in life.
You start with the little things that is on shelves and drawers and knick-knacks.
Then you start adding larger stuff: clothes, table-top appliances, lamps, your TV...
Backpack should be getting pretty heavy now.
You go bigger: your couch, your car, your home.
I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.
Now, I want you to fill it with people.
Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office...
And then you move into the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets.
Brothers or sisters, your children, your parents, and finally your husband, your wife, boyfriend, your girlfriend.
You get them into that backpack.
Feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake, your relationships are the heaviest components in your life.
All those negotiations and arguments and secrets and compromising.
The slower we move, the faster we die. We weigh ourselves down until we can't even move.
Make no mistake, moving is living.
Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime.
Star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans - we are not swans. We're sharks."
I want this to be either proven wrong or proven right. 'Cause not knowing the answer is an even worse burden. I can keep trying without reciprocation or I can let go and be freed of what I thought was important and move forward. It's easier if this is right but with that is the fear of never having a home to return to.
'Cause home is where people are thinking of you.
Still Alive
Hey, I'm not dead. Things are going well for me but my focus has shifted away from writing to speaking.
I have also reached a point in my life where I must absolutely strive to not burden anyone with anything and to freely stand strong alone. So, I'm focusing on that too.
'Cause that is how a man does it.
Ooooh, how sexist. Please, spare me the "pleasantries".
Anywho, be back in a long while. Unless something really interesting happens.
Settling In
It seems my mind has not quite left summer mode. Just simply writing my thoughts here and expressing myself has become a drag with all the running around I have to do regarding applications to various things. What things? Well, I'm more comfortable not telling anyone about it (and it is not as typical as you might think!).
Well, when life has calmed down and I have settled down in a particular groove of things, I may be back here and more active on Facebook and what-not. (Though, time away from the computer has been way better).
I think I need to start getting back to my regular schedule at the gym to get my endorphin levels back up (I seriously think I'm chronically deficient or something). It certainly helps the brain to focus and it's way better than the ridiculous notions I'm hearing about of non-ADHD students taking ADHD drugs to help give them an "edge".
It was nice catching up with past supervisors, instructors, and various faculty and hearing words of encouragement for whichever of the many doors I have open I happen to choose. I was a bit wary of following through this long-term plan I thought out, but it was a relief to hear reassurance that it was sound.
Oh, and The Big Bang Theory is an awesome show. I'm all caught up and ready for 3rd season. Sad how I can understand so much of the dialogue (especially the complexities of String Theory and its many requisite dimensions). I'm such a nerd.
Today, I had a really nice dream of an adventurous date and I remember so much of it. It's been a long while since I had that. It was definitely a much needed "defrag" of my brain and hope many more of those happen again. It's certainly a good source of ideas - albeit in a perfect world with a perfect girl. Haha.
And now... my hands grow heavy and wearyyyyiuhisfdkjs...
Buh-bye now!
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It's extremely difficult for you (or anyone) to get on my bad side. So don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything.
